Road Trip from Hell

I realized I promised Texas updates; however, I got distracted with the resume process last night.  Who knew a jobless person could be so busy?  Instead of pretty pictures, I will regale - or terrify - you with a family road trip that I typed up when I was bored in Texas.  I saved it for a day I didn't feel like posting.  This is a long story, and I realize the internet has inhibited your brain from processing anything more than 140 characters, but I urge you to read it.  It’s worth it.

Most of you have wondered how we can handle such an extensive road trip.  Especially me, since I’m a bit of a girly girl.  I do love me some sequins (yes, I wrote that article).  To be honest, I’m surprised Ayk remained optimistic and energetic for this trip.  Most people gripe when they take a road trip longer than 2 hours.  I, on the other hand, have been raised to handle this type of trip.  I wasn’t given a choice.

Growing up, my dad would take us on road trips from Maryland to Seattle (and back again) that make the Griswold’s trips look like a cakewalk.  Both my dad and my mom grew up in Seattle, where most of their families live.  Rather than take the sane approach and take a flight to visit, my parents loaded their three young daughters into the minivan and headed west.  We were lucky if we stayed in motels.  Instead, my parents drove through the night, taking turns sleeping while the other drove.  Sometimes it would only take three days to get to cross the country.  Three days.  That's not an exaggeration.  For comparison, it took Ayk and I eleven days to get to California.  True, we spent three nights extra in Salt Lake City.  But still.  Three days!

Sure, lots of families take road trips.  But, clearly, not like ours.  The story that stands out in my mind (probably because it’s the most scarring) is when we went to Seattle the summer I was 8.  Before trekking west, we traveled to New Hampshire to hike in the White Mountains.  With no showers, we started to get smelly.  I hated showers at that age, so it didn’t bother me much at first.

After hiking, we swung by Maine then headed to Niagara Falls.  That’s when the restlessness began to set in.  “Dad, when are we going to take a shower?” we’d ask.  “Oh, we don’t need any showers!” he’d say.  “We’ll just let the spray from the falls clean us off.”  To this day, I’m still not sure if he was kidding.  To keep our teeth from falling out, we’d brush our teeth in gas station and McDonald’s bathrooms.  The pity from onlookers was the worst.  "Those poor children," their eyes said.  "Their family must be homeless."  Hardly.  Keep in mind, my dad could afford to stay in motels; he just decided not to.

Our desperation became vociferous when we got to the Mid-West: “Dad, we really need to take a shower!  We’re starting to get gross.”  He assured us, “Oh, we’re going to the Mall of America.  They have a log ride there where we can just stand underneath of and the water will spray us clean.”  Thankfully, the ride wasn’t running.  Have you ever been on log rides?  That water just would have made us nastier.

After Minneapolis, we were so close to Seattle that we relented from pestering my dad for shower breaks.  There was no point in trying to change his mind at this point.  We just sat in the car quietly awaiting our relaxing showers in Seattle.  Too bad fate's a cruel bitch.  On a whim, my dad decided we should take a long detour to Yellowstone National Park.  Now, if you weren’t already aware of my bitter resentment towards Wyoming, allow me to reiterate: IT SUCKS.  Looking back on this story only reinforces that hatred.

“NO!” we each shrieked.  “We want to take showers!  What’s in Yellowstone, anyway?”  My dad told us about the famed geyser Old Faithful.  “Why are we taking a 10-hour detour to see an old man?” I asked, mistaking it for a “geezer” (Ayk's note: Or perhaps "guy, sir"?).  I was 8; give me a break.  Once my dad explained what it was, he told us that the spray from the geyser could clean us off.  Not even the scalding steam could clean the filth caked on us.

We left Wyoming listless, which is to be expected from any trip to that hellhole.  Late in the night we finally reached Seattle.  The first thing we did when we got there was take a long bath.  After a short stay with family, we headed back to the East Coast and suffered through yet another showerless drive until we got home.